Bro., I feel every sentence of this deeply. When I read about thinking God is only at the top of the mountain, it almost broke me. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for clinging to God in all of this. You know I’m praying for you and your family. And I’m praying that others who need this article, like me, see it.
Thanks my dude. Means a lot coming from you. It's been a blessing to become friends the last couple of months.
Yeah that mountain top image, man. It's been crazy to see how many people resonate. I think some churches teach this…. but a lot of us grew up in great churches that didn't teach that you had to earn your way to God.
I grew up in a saved-by-grace church! but somehow the workspace mentality finds a way to weed itself into our hearts and minds.
I consider it the ongoing work of every pastor to help dismantle that mentality and help people recognize that it is by grace that we have been saved… and then it is from that grace that we can do works of love!
Wow, thank you for sharing. As a woman who was exposed to the lie of ‘pull yourself up by the bootstraps and fix yourself before’…I can see part of the struggle and understand it. I loved this piece because I have my husband and am a mother to two boys and it helps me understand their struggles and mindset better. I will be processing this for awhile.
Yeah, that bootstrap mentality is just so ingrained into our culture, isn't it?
It is such a strange juxtaposition that we can be simultaneously in these environments full of people that wholeheartedly believe that we are saved by grace alone... Jesus is the one who does the work... "Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe"... and yet when we actually try to figure out what discipleship is and the journey of walking with Jesus, a lot of times the messages that we're giving men (and not just men, but people) don't come from the Scriptures. They come from the culture.
The idea of pulling yourself up, supporting yourself... all these things bleed into what it means to be a man and the message of what it means to be a man.
But what happens to the men who, on paper, are doing all the right things... working hard, doing everything they can, praying, seeking God, stepping out in faith... and yet they continuously find themselves shipwrecking against the rocks?
A lot of these men walk in shame because they think, “it must be me.”
There must be something uniquely broken about me. I must have sinned in some way. I must have brought this upon myself.
With this article, what I'm trying to do is just to create a pocket where people can be open and where they can recognize the need for openness. My goal is not to point us towards ourselves, but to point us to Christ.
Thank you so much for sharing what you said about this helping you understand the men in your life better. That is precisely another reason why I wrote it!
And I have a mountain in my mind’s eye, I climb. It looks a lot like the mountain in the book “Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.” This picture of climbing a mount path is something I often mentally reference in my walk with Him. If you have never read this book, I highly recommend.
I've always wanted to read Hinds' Feet on High Places! My mother always cherished that book, but I have not come around to read it yet. I'm adding it to my list right now. Thank you so much!
Yes yes ... read it when you can ... but once again, trust in God's perfect timing ... you already have much on your plate &, being a "non-reader (of books, at least!)" myself, I have seen how the Lord has enabled me to read what I have so needed to read!
In many ways, you have written about "Hinds Feet on High Places" in your article, your version!
I read this book out loud to my mother-in-law who had read it before, but for me, the first-time, then!
I am not a book reader but was so grateful that this has been but the handful of books I have read over 6 decades of my life!!
I am so with you on your comments & was glad that you were the second person commenting on this, who's a woman, as I was about respond to Aaron, thinking I would be the only woman here 😊!!
I too, am very grateful for Aaron's article & will write more in my response to him so will stop here now ...
Father, we lift our brother to You & thank You for meeting with him as you have, meeting him in the sufficiency of Your grace as we all soo need!
As you know Lord, I have so needed to lean on that in my own lack & endless failings. Yet, it's been in those places I have seen Your faithfulness in that sufficiency of grace you spoke to Paul about when he pleaded with you about the thorn in his flesh. My failings have definitely been such a thorn in my flesh & had it not been the grace Your sacrifice on the grace to avail me of, I just wouldn't even be here now.
Yet, slowly but surely, over my lifetime, You have shown me Your own faithfulness to that grace & it's enabled me to keep going to this end of my "latter years" & am still needing now, except am.even more sure than.ever, that You will see me through!
Lord, continue to hold Aaron & his family through this season, providing, not only their needs but also with that banqueting table of plenty, to encourage him with, please, Lord. We ask.this Lord Jesus, in Your Name, amen 🙏
Aaron, this was so beautiful, raw, and spot on. I am neither young nor male, but what you wrote touched me too. We don’t want to talk about or even acknowledge when we are in the hard places and yet, we need to hear it because it is a place we will all come to know at some point. I sense much good coming from this post. Thank you for sharing!
I don't know why, but for so long, I dreaded hitting the publish button on this one. I think sometimes when God wants to use something like this, the enemy can attack us with self-doubt (at least that's certainly the case in my life). But I'm very blessed and filled with a sense of peace this morning as I see that people are already connecting and resonating with the message!
And I'm so glad to hear from you specifically because my hope was that this would both help men, but also help others who are not men as well. So I'm glad that the message has some universal application!
Thank you for your comment. It really struck a chord with me. I don’t know how to put into words what I felt, but I heard you. It seems that so many of us walk around carrying those hard things. We are certainly changed by them. I read a quote many years ago that said something like “one who wears a tattered coat has much wisdom.” I knew it was true then and the older I get, the truer it becomes. I hope you have good people walking with you on your journey. Blessings to you.
God has met me over and over again as well as brought kind, faithful family and friends along the way! Thank you for seeing me and responding! It makes a difference!❤️
My younger brother went to be with the Lord this afternoon after a short battle with pancreatic cancer—he had just turned 70. Seems like many I know are coming to be part of that great cloud of witnesses!
Yes, it is beautiful, and true for women too. It's very hard to acknowledge when we're in a time of pain. I've often found that when I'm in a tight spot, I double down and 'try harder'.
I felt each heartbeat with every sentence, and a voice for the voiceless. Thank you. Somehow, you have captured what none of us are able to say out loud.
Thank you, Earl, and thank you for the way your church has supported my ministry this year. It’s been great getting to know you!
Yes, a voice for the voiceless is something I absolutely want to be. That’s always been a big aspect of my heart. I want to speak up for those that don’t have the words to say it.
Thank you so much for being honest and sharing this. The crazy thing for me is that I just finished reading Galatians this morning, so reading this article was a beautiful way of God showing me deeper what He is telling me through it. Thank you for being willing to share your story and I pray that we as Christians, both men and women, will hold space for one another to be real and vulnerable and find healing on the journey with Him.
Of course, Hope! I'm happy to do so. Galatians is such a wonderful book. I'm glad that Jesus has been speaking to you directly through it!
I think so often the Christian life can become a performance, trying to hold everything together and project strength to a community rather than actually being open and allowing us to bear one another's burdens. It's so hard because no one does it perfectly. No church does it perfectly. No community does it perfectly.
I don't claim to have the solution, and I don't think that this essay is going to solve the problem, but at the very least, I hope it gets people thinking, feeling, and opening up their hearts again to what God might do through His Spirit and through His community.
This is powerful! As the wife of a man who has gone through similar experiences, thank you for obeying God and letting your transparency minister to others.
Not a guy, but deeply feel the emotional and spiritual roller coaster. Of seeking to walk in obedience, take a big leap, only to have nothing match our definition of success. Ministry ventures that we thought we were called to and then watched them die. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest. Clinging to the truth that God is not done, is often the only thing that gets me out of bed. Weary of wondering how the bills will get paid, and feeling like a bad Christian for worrying, when we’ve watched Him provide so many times. When we know we are seen, we know we’re not alone.
Amber, thank you for this!!! And yeah... you're so right. This isn't just a "men" thing, it's a human thing!
And man, watching something you poured your whole self into, something you were SURE God called you to, just... slowly die? That's a extremely specific grief that I know MANY have walked with.
And it comes with this nasty little theological aftertaste: "Did I hear Him wrong? Was I making it all up? Was any of it real?"
It is spiritually/emotionally disorienting. He is our Hope as we keep asking what He is accomplishing that we can’t see from here. The end of Psalm 130…with Him there is redemption in abundance; but lots of repentance and waiting as we go.
A remarkable piece, beautifully written and spot on. (Maybe consider expanding it into a longer form book or small group study; it’s that good, in my opinion.)
Although I haven’t read the book, “Jesus and John Wayne”, and from my understanding it swings the pendulum too far in the opposite direction, its basic premise is spot on and needs to be amplified throughout the Evangelical community: Sometimes, the most masculine thing a man can do is to be vulnerable, admit that they can’t carry the burden alone, and ask for help from those “wounded healers” who are called to comfort as they have been comforted.
We really do need each other. May God bless you abundantly and provide for your every need.
Adam! Thank you for this! Yes, I've thought about turning this into a book at some point. But honestly, I think I have a little more life left to live before I write this book. Not so that I can necessarily write it once I've reached my own aspirational mountaintop (that would certainly defeat the entire point of the essay), but more just... I don't know if it's the right season for a book like this. And I have many more Substack essays that I know I want to write. But yes, one day a book, I believe, would be a good thing to do!
I haven't read Jesus and John Wayne either. In the circles where I run, a lot of people were pretty disapproving of the book, suspecting it of liberalism. But personally, from what I've observed, I think that's a bit of a defensive posture. As someone who's been on both sides (both working within the church and now doing ministry outside of the institutional church), I think sometimes when we are deep in it, we become very defensive and unwilling to hear solid critique. I also think it's wrong to throw out critique just because it comes from a source where we don't agree with them on everything, theologically or politically. I had a mentor who always used to say the phrase "chew up the meat, spit out the bones," and I tried to hold that across the aisle.
And as to your point, I think that the most masculine thing ever done was actually Jesus's death on the cross, a moment that looked to the whole world watching not as a moment of triumph, but a moment of weakness and defeat. But notice what it was... the greatest act of self sacrifice out of love for those who did not deserve it. He was willing to make himself look small, weak, exposed, and defeated so that he could raise up the very people that were driving the nails through his wrist. He was creating a pathway for everyone to come to God. There's never been a greater act of courage than the moment where Jesus looked the most weak.
As a Christian who has both spent a career in mental health and has also suffered with mental illness, again, your post struck home to me and should be echoed from the rafters. And your point about Christ’s humility and suffering is spot on. Come to think of it, he was honest with the disciples about his struggles and was desperate for their companionship at Gethsemane. They either abandoned him or fell asleep, though.
Thank you, also, for subscribing to my page. If interested, you will find a piece I wrote on my struggles with Obsessive compulsive disorder. I pray it might be a blessing to you.
I will definitely give it a read. In my working with young men, I have found religious OCD to be a real thing that causes people a lot of pain and stress. I will check this out. Thank you brother
Aaron, thank you. I had a long conversation with my husband about your article. It's clearly true that men often have to contend with being 'Invincible, Fearless, Smiley, and Strong', when inside things are crumbling.
I think it's a double whammy because those of us in ministry can similarly be fooled into thinking we have to present a perfect persona. But so often things are terrible. In my own life, I had three major bereavements, and then a ministry that I loved, and which benefited many people, came to an abrupt end. WHAT WAS GOD DOING?
But my husband reminded me of Joshua 5. The Israelites are doing brilliantly. The Amorite and Canaanite kings are quaking, and Israel is poised for success. The Israelite army is pumped, ready for victory. And what does God do? Ahem... order a very painful circumcision. Again. I think we gloss over how terrible this must have been. They have to stop, be circumcised, celebrate Passover and then the manna stops as they begin to eat the produce of Canaan.
For me, as for you, the pruning has been severe. The redemptive arc might be something we never see. It is properly awful. This is the truth, and this will grow our faith. Because we can no longer trust in hard work, smiling and pretending everything works out easily.
Aaron, this is one of the most honest pieces of writing I’ve read in a long time. I’m a therapist, and I’ve spent over two decades sitting with men who learned to narrate their pain only in past tense. You named the mechanism exactly:
we permit the pit as testimony and forbid it as location.
What struck me most was the pizza restaurant scene. A man wept over a real loss and apologized for it in the same breath. That reflex is trained, and it can be untrained, but only in the presence of someone who doesn’t flinch. You didn’t flinch here. Writing from the middle, before the story resolves, is the harder obedience. Grateful you did it.
As you've realised by now with all these comments, you're not alone Aaron. It's easier somehow for women to say they're desparate, but men feel they must hold back. It's so sad, and not how Jesus means it to be.
I've forwarded this to my husband. Thank you!
And here's one I wrote a while back (and re-read whenever I need to):
A PRAYER FROM THE DARKNESS
(warning – this prayer contains strong emotional scenes)
Thank you so much Aaron for sharing this. This thought that we have to be out of the struggle to share with others is really deep seated, not just with men. And with sin as well, the lie is to wait till you've overcome to share with another. Thank you for the encouragement to walk even more truthfully and wholesomely with our brothers and sisters in Christ. God bless you.
Bro., I feel every sentence of this deeply. When I read about thinking God is only at the top of the mountain, it almost broke me. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for clinging to God in all of this. You know I’m praying for you and your family. And I’m praying that others who need this article, like me, see it.
Thanks my dude. Means a lot coming from you. It's been a blessing to become friends the last couple of months.
Yeah that mountain top image, man. It's been crazy to see how many people resonate. I think some churches teach this…. but a lot of us grew up in great churches that didn't teach that you had to earn your way to God.
I grew up in a saved-by-grace church! but somehow the workspace mentality finds a way to weed itself into our hearts and minds.
I consider it the ongoing work of every pastor to help dismantle that mentality and help people recognize that it is by grace that we have been saved… and then it is from that grace that we can do works of love!
Wow, thank you for sharing. As a woman who was exposed to the lie of ‘pull yourself up by the bootstraps and fix yourself before’…I can see part of the struggle and understand it. I loved this piece because I have my husband and am a mother to two boys and it helps me understand their struggles and mindset better. I will be processing this for awhile.
Yeah, that bootstrap mentality is just so ingrained into our culture, isn't it?
It is such a strange juxtaposition that we can be simultaneously in these environments full of people that wholeheartedly believe that we are saved by grace alone... Jesus is the one who does the work... "Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe"... and yet when we actually try to figure out what discipleship is and the journey of walking with Jesus, a lot of times the messages that we're giving men (and not just men, but people) don't come from the Scriptures. They come from the culture.
The idea of pulling yourself up, supporting yourself... all these things bleed into what it means to be a man and the message of what it means to be a man.
But what happens to the men who, on paper, are doing all the right things... working hard, doing everything they can, praying, seeking God, stepping out in faith... and yet they continuously find themselves shipwrecking against the rocks?
A lot of these men walk in shame because they think, “it must be me.”
There must be something uniquely broken about me. I must have sinned in some way. I must have brought this upon myself.
With this article, what I'm trying to do is just to create a pocket where people can be open and where they can recognize the need for openness. My goal is not to point us towards ourselves, but to point us to Christ.
Thank you so much for sharing what you said about this helping you understand the men in your life better. That is precisely another reason why I wrote it!
And I have a mountain in my mind’s eye, I climb. It looks a lot like the mountain in the book “Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.” This picture of climbing a mount path is something I often mentally reference in my walk with Him. If you have never read this book, I highly recommend.
I've always wanted to read Hinds' Feet on High Places! My mother always cherished that book, but I have not come around to read it yet. I'm adding it to my list right now. Thank you so much!
Yes yes ... read it when you can ... but once again, trust in God's perfect timing ... you already have much on your plate &, being a "non-reader (of books, at least!)" myself, I have seen how the Lord has enabled me to read what I have so needed to read!
In many ways, you have written about "Hinds Feet on High Places" in your article, your version!
I also recommend the book. It was very formative for me.
I read this book out loud to my mother-in-law who had read it before, but for me, the first-time, then!
I am not a book reader but was so grateful that this has been but the handful of books I have read over 6 decades of my life!!
I am so with you on your comments & was glad that you were the second person commenting on this, who's a woman, as I was about respond to Aaron, thinking I would be the only woman here 😊!!
I too, am very grateful for Aaron's article & will write more in my response to him so will stop here now ...
Father, we lift our brother to You & thank You for meeting with him as you have, meeting him in the sufficiency of Your grace as we all soo need!
As you know Lord, I have so needed to lean on that in my own lack & endless failings. Yet, it's been in those places I have seen Your faithfulness in that sufficiency of grace you spoke to Paul about when he pleaded with you about the thorn in his flesh. My failings have definitely been such a thorn in my flesh & had it not been the grace Your sacrifice on the grace to avail me of, I just wouldn't even be here now.
Yet, slowly but surely, over my lifetime, You have shown me Your own faithfulness to that grace & it's enabled me to keep going to this end of my "latter years" & am still needing now, except am.even more sure than.ever, that You will see me through!
Lord, continue to hold Aaron & his family through this season, providing, not only their needs but also with that banqueting table of plenty, to encourage him with, please, Lord. We ask.this Lord Jesus, in Your Name, amen 🙏
Aaron, this was so beautiful, raw, and spot on. I am neither young nor male, but what you wrote touched me too. We don’t want to talk about or even acknowledge when we are in the hard places and yet, we need to hear it because it is a place we will all come to know at some point. I sense much good coming from this post. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much, Holly!
I don't know why, but for so long, I dreaded hitting the publish button on this one. I think sometimes when God wants to use something like this, the enemy can attack us with self-doubt (at least that's certainly the case in my life). But I'm very blessed and filled with a sense of peace this morning as I see that people are already connecting and resonating with the message!
And I'm so glad to hear from you specifically because my hope was that this would both help men, but also help others who are not men as well. So I'm glad that the message has some universal application!
I feel like most of my life has been lived in the hard, and harder places…
Hi Liz,
Thank you for your comment. It really struck a chord with me. I don’t know how to put into words what I felt, but I heard you. It seems that so many of us walk around carrying those hard things. We are certainly changed by them. I read a quote many years ago that said something like “one who wears a tattered coat has much wisdom.” I knew it was true then and the older I get, the truer it becomes. I hope you have good people walking with you on your journey. Blessings to you.
God has met me over and over again as well as brought kind, faithful family and friends along the way! Thank you for seeing me and responding! It makes a difference!❤️
My younger brother went to be with the Lord this afternoon after a short battle with pancreatic cancer—he had just turned 70. Seems like many I know are coming to be part of that great cloud of witnesses!
I am so so sorry for you loss, sister. Thank you for sharing your struggle with us. I am praying for you right at this moment!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Liz! ♥️
Yes, it is beautiful, and true for women too. It's very hard to acknowledge when we're in a time of pain. I've often found that when I'm in a tight spot, I double down and 'try harder'.
I felt each heartbeat with every sentence, and a voice for the voiceless. Thank you. Somehow, you have captured what none of us are able to say out loud.
Thank you, Earl, and thank you for the way your church has supported my ministry this year. It’s been great getting to know you!
Yes, a voice for the voiceless is something I absolutely want to be. That’s always been a big aspect of my heart. I want to speak up for those that don’t have the words to say it.
Thank you, brother. Love and appreciate you!
Maybe this will help someone, something I wrote when I was going through a very difficult time, just came across it today...
Desolate
------------
The Lord brought me to a desolate place
Lonely and empty yet full ... of despair
A place of darkness and anger and fear
A place of crushed dreams and broken hearts
---
A place devoid of all hope save one
The Lord God Almighty was there
Waiting for His perfect time
---
The damn was broken and the tears flowed
Brokenness, like a rushing stream
Sadness and grief washing over me
Grieving for what may be lost
---
The reservoir empty, the flow ceased
Blessed peace and hope and amazing joy
Now replaced the dark despair
Worship now flowed from my tattered heart
---
Songs of praise for the One who had led me
To that fearsome, dreary place
Confession to the Lord that I was now ready
---
Through His grace, His mercy and everlasting kindness
I could now trust in Him to bring me through
This bleak and hopeless place
---
I cannot see what lies beyond this weary time
But by His grace I know one thing
Regardless of what may come
He is in control and everything will be fine
Beautiful poem, Mike. Keep sharing your gift with others!
"The Lord Almighty was there." Powerful :)
Thank you so much for being honest and sharing this. The crazy thing for me is that I just finished reading Galatians this morning, so reading this article was a beautiful way of God showing me deeper what He is telling me through it. Thank you for being willing to share your story and I pray that we as Christians, both men and women, will hold space for one another to be real and vulnerable and find healing on the journey with Him.
Of course, Hope! I'm happy to do so. Galatians is such a wonderful book. I'm glad that Jesus has been speaking to you directly through it!
I think so often the Christian life can become a performance, trying to hold everything together and project strength to a community rather than actually being open and allowing us to bear one another's burdens. It's so hard because no one does it perfectly. No church does it perfectly. No community does it perfectly.
I don't claim to have the solution, and I don't think that this essay is going to solve the problem, but at the very least, I hope it gets people thinking, feeling, and opening up their hearts again to what God might do through His Spirit and through His community.
Amen to that!!
It feels like someone is narrating my life story. It feels too personal, but still comforting that I am not alone in going through all of this.
You’re not alone, brother.
This is powerful! As the wife of a man who has gone through similar experiences, thank you for obeying God and letting your transparency minister to others.
I'm honored that it could be a blessing to you.
Aaron kindly said I could share my latest article and podcast episode here. It directly refers to his wonderful article and could be seen as a kind of next steps: https://adrianwarnock.substack.com/p/faith-alone-misses-real-healing-how
Not a guy, but deeply feel the emotional and spiritual roller coaster. Of seeking to walk in obedience, take a big leap, only to have nothing match our definition of success. Ministry ventures that we thought we were called to and then watched them die. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest. Clinging to the truth that God is not done, is often the only thing that gets me out of bed. Weary of wondering how the bills will get paid, and feeling like a bad Christian for worrying, when we’ve watched Him provide so many times. When we know we are seen, we know we’re not alone.
Amber, thank you for this!!! And yeah... you're so right. This isn't just a "men" thing, it's a human thing!
And man, watching something you poured your whole self into, something you were SURE God called you to, just... slowly die? That's a extremely specific grief that I know MANY have walked with.
And it comes with this nasty little theological aftertaste: "Did I hear Him wrong? Was I making it all up? Was any of it real?"
I've been there. Still there in some ways.
But trusting that Jesus knows better than I do!
It is spiritually/emotionally disorienting. He is our Hope as we keep asking what He is accomplishing that we can’t see from here. The end of Psalm 130…with Him there is redemption in abundance; but lots of repentance and waiting as we go.
A remarkable piece, beautifully written and spot on. (Maybe consider expanding it into a longer form book or small group study; it’s that good, in my opinion.)
Although I haven’t read the book, “Jesus and John Wayne”, and from my understanding it swings the pendulum too far in the opposite direction, its basic premise is spot on and needs to be amplified throughout the Evangelical community: Sometimes, the most masculine thing a man can do is to be vulnerable, admit that they can’t carry the burden alone, and ask for help from those “wounded healers” who are called to comfort as they have been comforted.
We really do need each other. May God bless you abundantly and provide for your every need.
Adam! Thank you for this! Yes, I've thought about turning this into a book at some point. But honestly, I think I have a little more life left to live before I write this book. Not so that I can necessarily write it once I've reached my own aspirational mountaintop (that would certainly defeat the entire point of the essay), but more just... I don't know if it's the right season for a book like this. And I have many more Substack essays that I know I want to write. But yes, one day a book, I believe, would be a good thing to do!
I haven't read Jesus and John Wayne either. In the circles where I run, a lot of people were pretty disapproving of the book, suspecting it of liberalism. But personally, from what I've observed, I think that's a bit of a defensive posture. As someone who's been on both sides (both working within the church and now doing ministry outside of the institutional church), I think sometimes when we are deep in it, we become very defensive and unwilling to hear solid critique. I also think it's wrong to throw out critique just because it comes from a source where we don't agree with them on everything, theologically or politically. I had a mentor who always used to say the phrase "chew up the meat, spit out the bones," and I tried to hold that across the aisle.
And as to your point, I think that the most masculine thing ever done was actually Jesus's death on the cross, a moment that looked to the whole world watching not as a moment of triumph, but a moment of weakness and defeat. But notice what it was... the greatest act of self sacrifice out of love for those who did not deserve it. He was willing to make himself look small, weak, exposed, and defeated so that he could raise up the very people that were driving the nails through his wrist. He was creating a pathway for everyone to come to God. There's never been a greater act of courage than the moment where Jesus looked the most weak.
As a Christian who has both spent a career in mental health and has also suffered with mental illness, again, your post struck home to me and should be echoed from the rafters. And your point about Christ’s humility and suffering is spot on. Come to think of it, he was honest with the disciples about his struggles and was desperate for their companionship at Gethsemane. They either abandoned him or fell asleep, though.
Thank you, also, for subscribing to my page. If interested, you will find a piece I wrote on my struggles with Obsessive compulsive disorder. I pray it might be a blessing to you.
I will definitely give it a read. In my working with young men, I have found religious OCD to be a real thing that causes people a lot of pain and stress. I will check this out. Thank you brother
Aaron, thank you. I had a long conversation with my husband about your article. It's clearly true that men often have to contend with being 'Invincible, Fearless, Smiley, and Strong', when inside things are crumbling.
I think it's a double whammy because those of us in ministry can similarly be fooled into thinking we have to present a perfect persona. But so often things are terrible. In my own life, I had three major bereavements, and then a ministry that I loved, and which benefited many people, came to an abrupt end. WHAT WAS GOD DOING?
But my husband reminded me of Joshua 5. The Israelites are doing brilliantly. The Amorite and Canaanite kings are quaking, and Israel is poised for success. The Israelite army is pumped, ready for victory. And what does God do? Ahem... order a very painful circumcision. Again. I think we gloss over how terrible this must have been. They have to stop, be circumcised, celebrate Passover and then the manna stops as they begin to eat the produce of Canaan.
For me, as for you, the pruning has been severe. The redemptive arc might be something we never see. It is properly awful. This is the truth, and this will grow our faith. Because we can no longer trust in hard work, smiling and pretending everything works out easily.
Thanks for writing this, man. I’ve been following your work since you guest spoke at Calvary Vista a few years back.
My old home church! I used to be a pastor there myself years ago. Love that place. ❤️
Thanks for saying hi, Matt!! I hope you are well.
Aaron, this is one of the most honest pieces of writing I’ve read in a long time. I’m a therapist, and I’ve spent over two decades sitting with men who learned to narrate their pain only in past tense. You named the mechanism exactly:
we permit the pit as testimony and forbid it as location.
What struck me most was the pizza restaurant scene. A man wept over a real loss and apologized for it in the same breath. That reflex is trained, and it can be untrained, but only in the presence of someone who doesn’t flinch. You didn’t flinch here. Writing from the middle, before the story resolves, is the harder obedience. Grateful you did it.
As you've realised by now with all these comments, you're not alone Aaron. It's easier somehow for women to say they're desparate, but men feel they must hold back. It's so sad, and not how Jesus means it to be.
I've forwarded this to my husband. Thank you!
And here's one I wrote a while back (and re-read whenever I need to):
A PRAYER FROM THE DARKNESS
(warning – this prayer contains strong emotional scenes)
O Lord –
everything looks black right now!
I don’t like it!
Do you realise that God –
I DON’T LIKE IT!
Do you care?
Are you there?
I’m shouting at you God,
‘cos you seem miles away –
WHERE ARE YOU?
I’m stamping my feet!
I’m angry!!
I think I know you can do miracles,
but I wish I didn’t –
‘cos where are they?
If you can heal –
why don’t you?
If you can speak –
why don’t you?
If you are the light of the world –
WHERE ARE YOU THIS DARKNESS?!
Oh! Don’t bother!
Get lost!
I don’t want to know!
(pause)
Did I really say that out loud?
I don’t suppose it matters –
you know what’s in my heart anyway –
so what’s the point of pretending?
Here I am God …
sad, angry and sitting in darkness …
but I’ve come …
Ruth Sermon May 05
Thank you so much Aaron for sharing this. This thought that we have to be out of the struggle to share with others is really deep seated, not just with men. And with sin as well, the lie is to wait till you've overcome to share with another. Thank you for the encouragement to walk even more truthfully and wholesomely with our brothers and sisters in Christ. God bless you.
Of course, Sarah, I'm really glad that it spoke to you.